Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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