he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
