At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
