I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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