I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
