i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
