Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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