She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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