I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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