Pappa wants mamma naked
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
