One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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