He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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