So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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