I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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