this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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