when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
