i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
