my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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