those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
