The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
