i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
As shirtless as possible
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
