Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
