Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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