I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
