the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
