My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE