Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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