I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
