i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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