I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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