so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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