New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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