You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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