After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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