I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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