I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
