happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
