how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
