Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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