I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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