So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
