smell my finger.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I supernannyed him into submission
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
