She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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