i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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