my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
