His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
