Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
