so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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