I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
