i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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