the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
