Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
