Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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