a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
