Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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